lost.

i was told to start a blog by two very loving friends. its something that i had done many times before. i am no stranger to pouring out my feelings in online forums or in the many notebooks that fill my storage unit. i was told that i need to practice positive self talk. i will, but first i need to explain the why.

i. am. lost.

once upon a time, before marriage and children and midlife, i KNEW who the hell i was. i had an unlimited capacity for love and was (too) generous with it – that included loving myself. it wasn’t unheard of for me to spend hours talking to a girlfriend that lived far away. it was never a question of whether or not i would go for that run or drop into that yoga class. of course! there were days when i literally just laid on the beach soaking up sunshine and focusing on the feeling of my feet in the sand. i remember spending hours just dreaming about what i wanted to do, the places i wanted to see, the life i wanted to live. life was slow enough for me to drink it up. i felt free. i felt like. . .me.

today doesn’t feel like love and sunshine. today swirls around me like a hurricane that i know will greet me as soon as my feet touch the ground each morning. voices constantly calling me. needing me. taking of me. touching me. it’s thankless. it’s all consuming. it’s what i wanted. i am a mom – a stay at home mom with a dusty ass law degree. i haven’t been to the beach or felt sand beneath my feet in eight years. i have ghosted so many friends and can barely keep up with text messages and social media. i don’t run or practice yoga anymore. i don’t remember how to dream and couldn’t find the time even if i could. i feel pressure to be more than. i hear comments from those that expected more from me once upon a time. i feel shame.

motherhood is a trip. i would literally die for these little people. no one told me to tread carefully or succumb to metaphorical death.

this blog is my earnest attempt to resuscitate. . .me.