truths

i had a moment of clarity yesterday. i spoke truth out loud for the first time in recent memory. things you don’t dare say to people. i said these things aloud and it was freeing.

motherhood isn’t what i expected it to be. online it looks like i am loving and embracing it all when in reality i can’t breathe. the weight of knowing i am responsible (almost solely) for the character development and social and emotional growth of these little beautiful beings is almost too much to bear. motherhood, with all it’s amazingness, sucks. sometimes my mind wanders into what might have been had i not had children. then guilt creeps in and i spiral.

marriage isn’t what i expected it to be. marriage is hard, y’all. sometimes you see someone not for who they really are, but for what you need them to be in any given moment. when reality slaps you in the face such that you have to accept what is real, it’s jarring. do you ever really know someone? how can you say ‘i do’ to a person that may not be that same person in 5, 10, 25 years? how do you change together in a way that is compatible? is that even possible? marriage isn’t just about love. love is the easy part.

loving myself is tricky. i have a hard time finding value in myself because i have been made to see value in tangible things. income. physical beauty. productivity. what do i contribute that can be measured or readily appreciated. i make close to no income. i rock the mom bod. i make nothing objectively valuable. i do, however, raise children. i am one half of a podcasting duo. i care for my aging parents. i care about people, justice, our environment, and setting an example for those that seek one. i need to do better. i need to be better. i need to try. it is my hope that the self-love will follow.

i have anxiety. suffocating, constricting, blinding anxiety. it keeps me up at night. it makes my stomach churn. it tightens my muscles and seizes my joints. it makes my head rage and my breath scarce. i panic. i cry. i have dark thoughts of what could happen if i am not in control. so i seek to control it all. and fail. repeatedly.

these are truths that swirl in my head and consume my thoughts. i said them aloud yesterday, and now i have a partner on this road. I am not alone.